I've read a few blogs lately about how much I don't understand. About how other mothers have it worse than me, and are in a club that I'll never join. And about how I, along with ignorant doctors and perhaps the boogie monster and sugar, am the worst thing that ever happened to them because I have a healthy child and just can't understand their lives.
It's true, and I'm completely unapologetic about having- and having always had- a healthy child. I can't pretend to know what it's like to either wonder, or know, that your child will die. I do know you must be the strongest people alive, despite being normal average people prior to having children, and I am literally moved to tears every time I read an account of any child who is suffering from anything, and his/her parents who are suffering, too.
In fact, I'm tearing up writing this. During a feisty ear infection we had to hold down Penny while nurses gave her shots in both legs, with needles the size of toddler paintbrushes. Let me emphasize- ear infection (routine, common, minor), shots (even more routine, though these were enormous needles). I spent the entire time keeping myself from crumbling; after bedtime that night I spent an hour curled up in the shower sobbing. I'm a complete wuss when it comes to my child and literally believe every parent with a child in the hospital deserves a medal, a home-cooked meal, and the support of every single one of the rest of us. I just need a little help figuring out how to do the latter.
So, while I'm a little offended that I'm the worst enemy of the dragon mom, or the premie mom, I'm more devastated by the heartbreak these parents are enduring. A friend of mine from high school just lost her child to a terminal disorder. And for all the articles telling me I'm awful, there's a dearth of advice about how to help, or at least how to not do more damage.
I can't possibly make life better for these parents. Right now, there is no 'better.' I'm not entirely dumb. But I could at least say the right thing. Or, at the truly very least, send my condolences without insulting her or her son's memory. You people can insult me all you want, if you would just tell me how to say something to a woman who's just lost her son without offending her.
All of the things I can imagine to write in a card either seem to say "Your kid's life sucked for you and for him, so it's better he's dead" or "I'm sorry your kid is dead; otherwise he could be alive and kicking- and flailing and shaking because of the seizures." Added bonus if the parents are religious, for insulting God's will, too. How about "I'm so glad he was in your life, only to die a horrible drawn-out painful death," or "I'm so sorry he was ever born in the first place, causing you (and him) to have to go through this"? Either of those sound like what you'd want to hear? Obviously, this is not how I would phrase these sentiments, but that's how the obvious trite comforts sound to me when I try to empathize with this loss and do at least the bare minimum by sending a damn card.
I do know that the prior phrasings are especially insensitive and inflammatory. Clearly I'm trying to get your attention, but are the classics really much better? "I'm sorry for your loss." Obviously I feel bad for you, but not just for the loss- for the whole situation. "He's in a better place." Only good if I'm sure they are religious, plus, I'm not, so I feel like a charlatan saying this. "He lived a good life." What crap- he was a little over a year old, and sick. And even if he hadn't been, this always seems like bullshit if the deceased isn't a nonagenarian. I almost want to take up praying, so I can say they are in my prayers, because this implies a sympathetic and heartfelt condolence. But since I'm not religious, this is just ingenuine. Oh, right, "My condolences." That's about the most stilted, formal, unsympathetic thing I can think of.
I am amazed by the strength it must take to get up in the morning; the grace to keep doing it and not fall apart. I want to honor and revere these parents. I want to let them know they aren't alone, even if the rest of us can't relate personally. We may stick our feet in our mouths, but only for lack of direction- not lack of sympathy or earnest feeling.
Frankly, I am sorry that any child is born with so much pain in his life, and in his parents' lives. I'm sorry these children are dying, and I'm sorry they keep living with such debilitating illnesses.
There probably isn't any right thing to say, or to do. I get that whatever I say probably doesn't matter in the slightest in the midst of grief. I'm really not so narcissistic to believe that my comments will make or break anyone's day, let alone in this kind of situation. The point is that I want to help to the extent I can; I want to be a good friend, and a good person. So if you're out there, and reading this, and have any kind of answer, please tell me. Not for my sake- I'll still be an ungrateful idiot who doesn't understand what this is like- but for my friend, who just lost her son, and who could use all the kind words and deeds the world can muster.
No comments:
Post a Comment