I know what you're thinking when you read that title. Either you aren't a Mom and you're thinking smugly 'Shows what that obnoxiously conceited woman knows,' or you are a Mom, and you're incredibly pissed off that I would deign to think it, let alone type it and send it out into the world. First, for the former- vacuously, the statement is 100% true: if you're not a Mom, I am most certainly a better Mom than you, as is that girl from the MTV show that leaves her kid running around a house filled with various forms excrement. Now, if you are a Mom, and assuming you were suitably outraged enough to continue reading: it's a lot more complicated.
I've been thinking a lot about the quality of my parenting, and my inability to spend time with other parents without judging each and every one of their likely insignificant choices. I ought to qualify this a bit- I'm really only talking about parents of toddlers and young children because I know a half of something about parenting a toddler. I'm not sure what kind of hell it is to be the parents of a teenager, and short of child abuse I'm sure all of you are doing everything as perfectly right as is humanly possible.
However, I have definite views on some aspects raising very young children, and I have the poor habit of judging each mother I see handing her one year old a cookie (or diet pepsi- really people? that's something your toddler can't live without?) and every father bragging about how his 18 month old and 3 year old are always calm and kind to each other while watching Spongebob (can a child not spend two years of life TV free?).
Each time I think to myself: 'I'm a better parent than you.'
Be honest, you do it too, at least sometimes. Maybe when you see a Mom at the grocery store, holding her kid's arm mid-tantrum and seemingly dragging him down the aisle? You feel her frustration, and can commiserate and pity her for her the situation (if your toddler has never thrown a tantrum in public, I concede everything on the grounds that you are undeniably a better parent than I); yet you still feel a twinge of pride that you manage to stay calm and collected when your offspring act up in public- because you're a better Mom than her.
My motivation for this self-analysis was actually a friend of mine who recently stopped nursing her 2 month old. Doctors, nurses, and La Leche League all tell us that 'breast is best,' but I've watched how unbelievably difficult the whole process was for her and for her son. I managed to nurse until mine was a year old, just like the AAP recommends, and while there were certainly benefits, the only reason I lasted that long was that I was doing what was best for my daughter. The great milk shortage of 2010 was emotionally trying (is there enough milk for tomorrow?), physically exhausting (3 a.m. pump anyone?), and professionally embarrassing (yup, on business trips I'm the one leaving the meeting to sit at your desk smooshing phlanges against my breasts). I sacrificed for my daughter, and I am proud of that, but I don't feel like a better Mom than my friend who stopped.
In fact, I wish I were so calm and rational. I admire her for being able to stop, because that was the right choice for her son. I compulsively kept at it, despite the stress and complications, and that was probably best for my daughter, but even had it not been, I don't think I could have given up the ideal that I had to provide her with breast milk despite any and all possible ramifications.
The stress on my friend, her son, (and I'm betting his Dad, too) was more than was worth the little milk he was actually managing to get from her. She had to pump and use a bottle, because he wouldn't latch properly, and even then it was more trouble than nutrition. She gave it a solid effort and it just plain didn't work. So now he's happy, healthy, and growing on formula because she was a sensible loving mother who knew what was best.
So why do I judge the strangers at the playground, or co-workers I know only casually? And not this woman who according to some committed the cardinal sin of infant motherhood? I think the answer to the first question is the not-so-startling admission that I struggle with the anxiety and guilt about my own parenting.
I worry so much about making all of the right decisions and being the best mother anyone can possibly be. I expect myself to be super Mom, because my daughter is worth it. I want her to have everything she needs* to be the most amazingly happy and well-adjusted person in the whole world, who knows her mother loves her. Judging those other parents reminds me about what I'm doing right- I may be at work all day, but I cook her nourishing, satisfying, and real food for dinner. I can't always stay calm when she throws a tantrum while we're late, the cat just puked, and she's biting me. But I can take her to a playground instead of putting her in front of the television.
Given that there are some things for which I have very clear guidelines from scientists and doctors- e.g. no TV before 2, plenty of veggies- I can know I'm doing the right thing. This is in stark contrast to EVERYTHING else about child rearing- which preschool? what activities? going to work to be a great role model, or staying home and spending more time with her? letting her cry it out? potty training early, later, or when she utters the sentence "May I please use the potty"? setting rigid boundaries because she shouldn't always get what she wants, or getting her more fruit before she eats any chicken because she needs to eat something? The list goes on, ad infinitum.
When there are such thoroughly agreed upon right choices, and I see another parent doing these things wrong, it just reminds me how right I am. So yes, it's judge-y, and it would be a better world if we would all stop being so critical of each other, support each other in our common goals of raising sensitive global citizens, and sing kumbaya. But I can't carry a tune to save my life (another of my poor parenting skills- my daughter has no hope given my frequent toneless renditions of 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' and 'The Ants Go Marching') and really, as long we all keep our mouths shut about our critical comparisons**, support each other in what we can all agree on- that this parenting stuff is tough- it's not such a terrible thing to have a few moments a day that remind me that I am a capable, amazing mother and restore my confidence that I am making the right choices. And when I'm being a terrible parent, by all means, (quietly) revel in my failure knowing your decisions on such matters were far superior. You deserve to be reminded that you are a super-parent, too.
**This is absolutely essential- if you come out and say these things to other parents- even if they are obvious, you're just a big jerk and will get kicked out of your Mommy meet-up (see soon to be written post about that).
*Not everything she wants- please note the distinction, for I will most definitely judge you for caving in to every whine, whimper, or scream.
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