I'm sure I've had plenty of hilarious things happen to me in the last couple days, but it's hard to remember them sitting alone in a hotel room with crappy food from the Asian food place at the mall around the corner that happens to deliver. Yes, Asian food. Not Chinese, or Thai, or Laotian, but Asian. The panang curry is basically white, so creamy and sweet it tastes like coconut sticky rice with shrimp. The salmon sashimi was actually OK, but there were only 3 pieces, and the pork dumplings are mediocre, with a sauce that is also way too sweet. Why do entrees taste like dessert? Why add sugar to a dumpling sauce? I just don't get it.
Being away from my daughter while I work is tough - I wish I could pick her up and make her giggle, and I feel guilty about being there- but at least I come home at night. When I actually get home and spend the rest of the night feeding her, bathing her, nursing her, and keeping her from gumming the power cords, I admit I sometimes wish for a night alone. But actually being gone for 2 bath times, 2 bedtimes, a swim lesson, and 3 waking ups? I miss her. I've never really missed anyone before. My first summer camp, in elementary school, while the other kids were crying for their mommies or their blankies, I decided I was never going home. I'd make a fort and live Robinson Crusoe style. Turns out, camp only lasts a week and they made me leave.
Working today, I spent my time listening, talking, and thinking about work stuff, but the moment I got back to the hotel I just want to pick her up. It hurts, and it's such a strange feeling. And while it's scary, I love that I have that kind of relationship with someone. Sure, when she's 12 I may feel differently, but what an amazing thing to need someone so certainly, so gutturally.
I honestly worried that I would not love Penny unconditionally and maternally. And yet, despite a life-time of un-connection to other people and the related concerns that I was not emotional enough to truly nurture my child, my happiness is - while not entirely dependent on her (that's just not healthy) -inextricably linked being near her, seeing her smile, hearing her laugh, watching her learn, and knowing I have some part in it all.
So I am reveling in my loneliness. I am basking in my hurt and need. I am a better mother than I thought was possible.
Plus, the crappy food came with fortune cookies, and apparently the one I love is closer than I think.
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